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From The Editor: Let's Make Some Money july 29 2003, 11:30 am
submitted by: normal mc

Vegas bookmakers, oh, I’m sorry, the fucking PENTAGON, are laying 5-1 odds on a dirty bomb in Chicago before November (kidding). I’ll take those odds. This is as close to a ‘sure thing’ as we may ever see, certainly our best ‘can’t miss’ bet since they ran with 2-1 on ‘not finding WMD’s in Iraq’.

My main question is this, considering their recent success in the gaming and betting arena: are the Indians behind this? Not Indians from India, but American Indians. And by ‘American Indians’ I mean ‘Native Americans’. Whoops, I forgot, in the immortal words of King Missile’s John Hall, before the white man came here ‘this land wasn’t called America’. So should I refer to them as the ‘Indigenious Persons Formerly Known as Native Americans’? I don’t know, either way, I’m blaming them. No wait, I'll take their side and blame the white man.

I mean, seriously, we're going to betting on the futures of possible terror attacks? How morbidly fascinating this whole scenario is. Just when you think we can't get any lower, we've broken the old record and taken 'casual disregard for actual lives in the name of profit' to a new, terrifyingly American low.

This is just like any other online ‘dead pool’, those celebrity death watch sites that are currently scrambling for a new front-runner thanks to Bob Hope and Katherine Hepburn’s recent demise.

But suits in offices might actually make some money if a village in Iraq is the scene of a deadly firefight? Some middle-manager in a St. Louis office park, no longer content to be just an average 'daytrader' may make some extra bucks if Seattle is hit, but will barely break even if it's Portland? This is sick.

Well, maybe this will create jobs? Yeah, if we turn the Pentagon into a casino, maybe a deal with 'Circus Circus' because we know The Bellagio has too much fucking class to work with our Government...

"For instance," Mr. Wyden said, "you may think early on that Prime Minister X is going to be assassinated. So you buy the futures contracts for 5 cents each. As more people begin to think the person's going to be assassinated, the cost of the contract could go up, to 50 cents.

"The payoff if he's assassinated is $1 per future. So if it comes to pass, and those who bought at 5 cents make 95 cents. Those who bought at 50 cents make 50 cents."


I’m putting my next whole paycheck on Bush choking on his own vomit. I must admit, though, all this talk of money is getting me hot. I've always been pretty successful predicting major world events (I totally called The Challenger explosion), and I could stand to make some money.

Mr. Dorgan and Mr. Wyden called for an immediate end to the project and said they would use its existence to justify cutting off financial support for the overall effort. In the letter to Admiral Poindexter, they called the initiative a "wasteful and absurd" use of tax dollars.

"The American people want the federal government to use its resources enhancing our security, not gambling on it," the letter said.


Says you! I’m sure I speak for everyone here when I say ‘double down’. Come on, plane hijack, baby needs a new pair of battle fatgues! (Possible Negative Outcome: 'Honey, I can't make the mortgage payment, Ariel Sharon is still alive'.)

Shit, what’s next, horseracing? Are we going to put our Social Security money on 'Papa's Delicate Condition' in the 5th? A Dick Cheney/Halliburton ‘Personal Power’ series, a la Tony Robbins? Is HUD going to start selling real estate starter kits? "A small investment of $3,000.00 turned into $25,000.00 my first month. Now I can afford that Humvee I wanted!"

It’s official – we’re doing this. Let’s join, let’s start an ARF account. Any money we make can go towards a fleet of armored SUV’s and maybe gas masks. Think of the exciting possibilities!

This is ridiculous. A ridiculously fun chance to make some real money! Let me know who is interested





comments...   add a comment...


dj tanner
dj tanner 4789 posts
07.29.2003
comment no. 1

Your article singlehandedly makes up for the fact that this inane idea even exists. Bravo, little brother!


normal mc
normal mc 7472 posts
07.29.2003
comment no. 2

Update (AP): The Pentagon's plan to establish a futures market to predict terrorist acts will be abandoned, Senate Armed Services Committee chairman said. Sen. John Warner, R-Va., said he spoke by phone with the program's director, ''and we mutually agreed that this thing should be stopped.''

Pussies.

Man, it's good to know little webzines like ours can help shape Govt. policy.


noodles
noodles 148 posts
11.17.2003
comment no. 3

it's back. only this time it's privatized.





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